Our story begins in a large apartment in The Kremlin beside the US embassy where Russian operative called Sergi holds court.
Sergi laughs maniacally, stopping suddenly,' come in.'
His friend Vladhere comments, 'Oh, we appear to have company.'
Sergi turns to Vladhere, 'Ha ha ha ha ha. This gentleman has come in answer to your advertisement.'
'Oh, how lovely! Come in, sit down,' said Vladhere to the new arrival,
My name is Ned Bahamas.' states a tall slender man of African appearance.
'What a memory you have!' Sergi replies hoping for the comment to be taken as a jest.
'I've, er... I've come to move the uranium,' states Bahamas. Thank you.
Vladhere offers a glass of pale colored liquid, 'Have a vodka.'
No thanks... I'm trying to give them up.
Vladhere: 'Splendid for you! Congratulates Vladhere with an air of disappointment. 'Now, Neddie, here's the money for moving the uranium. There you are: five dollars in tens.'
'Five dollars for moving some uranium? Ha ha ha! This is money for old rope.'
'Is it?' said Vladhere with a smile, ' I'd have thought you'd have bought something more useful like some sacks.'
'No, no. I have simple tastes... Now, where is this uranium?'
'All in good time Neddy. Now first, will you sign this contract, in which you guarantee to move the uranium from one room to another room for five dollars.'
'Of course I'll sign. Have you a pen?'
'Here you are. Now Neddy, please just sign the contract.' Vladhere offers him a gold pen and points to the space under the last paragraph.
Bahamas scribbles "Ned Bahamas. AGG"
Sergi looks over, 'What's AGG for?'
'For the kiddies to ride on. '
Vladhere sniggers, 'You sure are destined for high office. Are you sure you won't have a vodka?'
'No thanks, I've just put one out.'
Bahamas is impatient to get going and earn his money and asks, 'Now, which room is this uranium in?'
'It's erm... It's in Utah state,' states Vladhere.
'Strange taste you have.'
'We refer to Utah, the state in USA.'
'What what what what what what what what what what? You mean the uranium's in America?'
'Ahhh! I've been tricked! Yahhahh!' He falls to the floor with a thud.
Sergi, 'He's fainted.'
Vladhere with concern, 'Don't waste time. Open his jacket...'
'...and take the weight of his wallet off his chest.'
'Yes.' said a somewhat disappointed Sergi. 'a signed photograph of Neddy Bahamas, a press cutting from the NYT, a false birth certificate, a CD of his wife mowing the lawn and a photograph of Nairobi.'
'He's still out cold. See if this brings him round.' Vladhere drops a coin on the marble floor.
Bahamas eyes blink open, 'Thank you, Hilliry!' he begins singing, 'comrades, comrades, ever since we were boys. Sharing... Ah oh ooh oh ooh! Where am I?'
'Russia,' said Vladhere.
Bahamas: 'What number?'
'7A. Have a Vodka.'
'No, they hurt my throat ..... Wait! Now I remember... You've trapped me into bringing back uranium from Utah for only five dollars.'
He becomes serious,'You signed the contract, Neddy. Now get that uranium or we sue you for breach of contract.'
'Owww!' Bahamas groans and slumps off out of the room.
Vladhere secures the door, 'Gad, Sergi! If he brings that uranium back we shall be well in the money. That uranium must be worth at least ten million bucks.'
'How do you know?'
'I've seen the bank statement. That is the very uranium USA got from Khazistan.'
'No wonder we lost it.'
'Yes. With all that moolah we can have a wonderful slap-up holiday in Disney Land.'
'April in Disney, we've found a sucker...' Vladhere and Sergi start singing.
Back in the USA at a CIA intercept facility at the Pentagon: 'I say! Poor Neddy Bahamas must have been at his wit's end faced with the dilemma of having to bring uranium back from Utah to Russia,' commented one unnamed Washington Post reporter to another.
Meanwhile Neddy Bahamas visited the State Department for advice on passports and visas.
Pillary looked across to her assistant Abedy. 'Oh! That must be the President.'
'Yes, that must be the President, yes. No one else comes through the window.'
Pillary: 'Coming. Coming.' she crosses the room towards the window.
Abedy, 'Tell him we're very sorry.'
'Sorry for what, Abby?'
'Well.. well.. well.. make something up - anything will do.'
Pillary opens up and helping Bahamas through the window said, 'we’re very sorry, Sir. Oh ohhhhh oh!'
'Do you want to buy a Senate Report?'
Bahamas adjusts his tie, 'No thanks. I'm trying to give them up.'
Abedy from behind Pillary, 'Oh, so are we.'
Bahamas somewhat embarrassed clears throat, 'I want to leave the USA.... again.'
'He's going to Russia!' said Abedy.
'Traitor! Stop him!' rejoins Pillary.
Abedy & Pillary continue yell, while Bahama joins in and shouts, 'Stop, Stop I say!' Then thinking better of it reacts seriously, 'Are you threatening me?'
Pillary searches her desk and finds an old Kenyan passport and throws to at Bahamas. 'Now get out!'
After checking the passport was his and the photo resembled a famous Kenyan warrior departed through the window. Muttering to himself as he went ...' now for Utah.'
Bahamas was confused - he's not the only one. It seems that with no more than five dollars, the cheapest way to Utah was to stow away aboard No Sweat Airlines. Amid stuttering plane engine noises, down in the dark hold Bahamas lay, alone... or so he thought until from a dark corner came voice gaily singing, ' I talk to the trees... that's why they put me away and called me... '
The singer was a tall ragged idiot named John Kelly.
' ... a ragged idiot...'
He carried a plasticized wand and wore a metal helmet.
'...metal tril.. oh!' Kelly spies Bahamas, 'Hello, stowaway mate of mine and where are you getting off?'
'Nowhere, I think it's safer to stay in the plane until we reach Utah.' replied Bahamas.
'Yeah... Hey! You goin' to Utah?'
'What a coincidence - that's where the plane's goin. Ain't you lucky! Everything's goin to be fine, fine, fine...'
'Here! Have a vodka.' Bahamas offers the bottle.
'Oww! Oww! Ooh! Oww! Hey! These vodkas are strong. Here! Have one of my whiskys - they're milder.'
And so for the rest of the voyage they sat quietly drinking their shots while discussing the first rule in Jordan Peterson's book of the 12 rules.
At Utah Bahamas left the idiot singer. By hiding the plane's luggage cart he avoided detection and made for a Salt Lake City hotel. Next morning, he sat in his room eating breakfast, when suddenly through the window a fork on the end of a long pole appeared. It tried to spear his bacon.
Bahamas stood up, 'who the blazes are you sir?'
'Ah-ah-oh! I'm sorry. I was... ummm... fishing.'
'Fishing? Fishing? This is the thirty-fourth floor.'
'Oh. The... ummm... river must have dropped.'
'Who are you, sir?'
'I've got it on a bit of paper here. Let's have a look... oh yes! Major Dennis McArthur, OBE, MT, MT and MT.'
What are all those empties for?
'I get 3 cents on each when I refund them. '
Bahamas rings a bell and the door opens and the manager enters. With a poor French accent the man bows and asks, 'Oui monsieur?'
McArthur is first to reply, 'Throw this man out of my room!'
'Ahhhh!' to late Bahamas.
The door slams as Bahamas is led out and McArthur settles down to Bahamas’ breakfast.
Alone in Salt Lake City... Bahamas went down to the notorious Cafe Tom, proprietor Maurice Ponk. Inside the air was filled with smoke.
Bahamas asks Plonk, 'I was looking for a man who might specialize in uranium robberies.'
Suddenly a whooshing sound and a short fat man with a cigarette in a holder appears.
'Good evening, my name is Surgie Rusky. You are looking for a man who might specialize in uranium robberies?'
'How do you know?'
'I was on my mobile looking at twitter and I heard you say.'
'Yes! This uranium we must steal.'
'Meet me outside the depot at midnight on the stroke of two.'
'When the clock strikes twenty past twelve.'
True to his word Bahamas was there dead on three.
Rusky checks an alarm clock hanging around his neck, 'You are late.'
'I'm sorry, my legs were a little slow.' and begins unfolding a large map. 'Now sir, this is the map plan of the Depot and the surrounding streets. Now... you take one end of this map... That's right... unfold it... That's the way... aha... mmm... that's right... there we go... yes... mmm hmmm... keep going... yes... It's big, isn't it?'
'Yes, it is. This bit here shows Washington.'
'Good heavens, you're miles away! Walk straight up that street, take the second on the left, and I'll be waiting for you.'
A car drives by at speed, then screeches to a stop, 'I took a taxi - it was too far.'
Part Two, in which our heroes, their purpose almost accomplished, are discovered creeping up to the uranium.
'Shh... 'cautions Rusky, 'there is someone under the uranium trying to lift it by himself.'
'He must be mad, whispered Bahamas.
Bahamas then hears that same song he last heard on No Sweat Airlines baggage hold. 'I dy dum dy dee.'
'Kelly, what are you doing out after feeding time?'
'I signed a contract that fooled me - fooled me mark you - into taking this uranium back to Russia.'
'What? You must be an idiot to sign a contract like that. Heh heh. Now help me get this uranium back to Russia. Together... lift.'
They all strain to lift the uranium.
'Watch... heave... No, no, no. It's too heavy. It's too heavy,' states Bahamas. 'Put it down.'
'Here... it's lighter when you let go, i'n' it?' said Kelly with the understanding he was destined for greater heights as a political adviser.
Finally they managed, by sweating and struggling, to get Utah’s uranium outside.
McArthur the individual that consumed Bahamas breakfast was waiting. 'Halt! Hand over le uranium in the name of the FBI.'
Bahamas replied, 'McArthur take off that baseball cap! We know you're not American.'
'You must let me have that uranium, you see... I... I foolishly signed a contract that forces me to...' replied McArthur.
'Yes, yes, we know.'
'Oh oh, so you..'
'We're all in the same boat. We have no money, so the only way to get the uranium back to Russia is to float it back. Across the Atlantic... '
The scene shifts to the Port of Boston with waves and seagulls.
Bahamas shouts, 'All aboard HMS Uranium! Cast off!'
Later, down below Bahamas writes; 'The log of Utah's Uranium. December the third... second week in Atlantic. Very seasick. No food. No water. McArthur down with the Lurgi. John Kelly up with the lark.'
McArthur speaks weakly, 'Bahamas, take over the rudder. I can't steer any more. Great galloping crabs! Look in the sky. It's a helicopter. We are saved!'
Bahamas looks up, 'By St George, saved! Yes! They're lowering a man on a rope. Have you come to save us?'
A man in uniform lands on deck and steps back to salute. 'I have come to rescue you, yes sir.'
Bahamas, 'what about the uranium?'
'Uranium? This is not uranium. This is shale.'
'This is Utah's uranium.'
'No.. no, it is not.'
'No, it isn't.'
'It's Utah's uranium.'
'No, this is shale. We know because it is in the area of the rocket testing range.'
'Rocket testing range? I've never heard so much rubbish in all my...'
Suddenly a Wheeeee... BOOOM!
What do you think, dear viewers? Were they standing on shale? Or was it Utah's uranium? Send your suggestions to anybody but us. And for those who would prefer a happy ending, here it is.
A door opens and a tall handsome white haired man called Bill enters out of breath calling, 'Pillary! Pillary!'
'Bill, William darling.'
'Pillary... I've... I've found work, darling. I've got a job.'
'Oh Bill. I'm so glad for you... What is it, darling?'
'Darling, all I've got to do is to move a uranium from one room to another... and give a speech in Moscow' and begins to laugh madly.'